Bikram: Seeing some changes

 

A long time ago

I had been away from Bikram for several years. When I was at it back then, I fell in love with practice and I dreaded it. I stressed myself and my family so that I could make the evening practices. When I got there, getting through the practice was a drudgery and I found myself dreading the next day of practice while I was still in the middle of my current yoga session. At home after the practice, I felt too exhausted to do anything but lay on the couch.

Then came a day when my husband was travelling for work and I had no one to stay with my daughter. So, I missed a practice. I stayed home. It was such a relief! I had so much free time. Eventually, my practice tapered off until I reached the point where I couldn't believe that I let yoga take up so much of my time, my money and my sanity.

I focused more on my meditation practice and recieved certifications in Reiki I & II. But eventually, I gave up on those practices as well.

I tried other things to stay fit. I went back to running--something I love but suffered a series of knee injuries. I took up biking and spin classes and more or less stayed on track fitness-wise.

Still, I was looking longingly to yoga and meditation and Reiki. But I could not seem to find a way back.

My gateway back

Enter my friend Bianca, a Bikram neophyte. She was aglow with the newly converted's enthusiasm. In the midsts of a 90 day challenge, Bianca was telling me all of the new things she was discovering about herself and her body. I was cynical at first but I kept it to myself. I shared only my positive observation from the time I used to practice.

Slowly but surely I began to remind myself about what I loved about Bikram. First, Bikram is a hell of a workout. My heart rate monitor usually showed me burning between 600 and 800 calories. Second is the joy of discovering how my body is being shaped by the practice as well as learning to appreciate my body.

I remembered the lessons that I learned in the room were also lessons I could apply to my everyday life. An important thing I learned--and Bianca helped me to remember this--was to focus my attention on myself and not compare myself with others. When I practiced those years ago, I heard the words when the teacher spoke them but they didn't really take root. Sometimes I enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror but then my eyes would wander to my fellow yogis. Some were getting deeper into the poses than me. Others were flailing in the practice. How much better or worse their practice was determined how good I felt about my own practice. I would see girls with beautiful bodies and when I looked back to my own image, I would cringe. I had missed the point completely.

The lesson in this is to focus on yourself appreciate where you are and who you are in this moment. The lesson is to focus on realizing your own challenges and making progress in conquering them. The lesson is that each and every one of the people in the room with you have their own challenges and are at different points of progress. Otherwise you are basing the value of your practice on outside forces that you cannot control or fully understand. Ultimately, Bikram is a very personal practice even though its done in a group setting. 

So the more we talked about Bikram, the more I missed it.  And there was also my knee which I had injured yet again running.  I figured why not go back and give it another try if only to heal my knee and get back to running. 

 

Starting again

I was determine to start out slow this time and not go 'all in' right off the bat. That meant no 10, 30, 60 or 90 day challenges.  That would have been a sure fire way for me to become burned out and probably keep me away from the practice for another 3 years.

Also, after the first day I found it helpful to get to class 10-15 min ahead of time to set up my mat and to lay in savasana.  Laying in savasana with my eyes open allowed me to bring my focus into the room, to check in with how I am feeling and to direct attention to my breath.

This was a time for me to focus on my intentions.  The first couple of weeks my only intention was simply to move through all of the poses without having to sit.  Then on some days, I would set my intentions to go deep and find my edge. On other days, my intention was to find beauty in my practice--to look at myself, my body and see how beautiful it is in different poses (I especially like to see myself in standing bow pose. There is a little curve at my waist leading into the hip of my standing leg that looks so beautiful to me).  I always look to find joy in my practice. I even remind myself to smile.  It's not a big smile--just something to help me relax my facial muscles.  It's surprising how that little correction brings me back to that one intention to find joy in my practice.

Changes

So now, I'm seeing some changes.

1. After 3 months, my knee is so much better.  I can sit for for hours at work (well I do make sure to stand and walk around every 20 minutes).  I don't wake up in the middle of the night with my knee aching. And walking up and down stairs?--No problem.
2. I mind my own business. In the room and in my own life.   Im less judgemental and compassionate with others and myself.
3. I clean more.  I know that sounds weird but now I find that if I see something out of place, I don't step over it I just go ahead and put it where it should be.  It's nothing compulsive and I don't do it all the time but I'm noticing that more often I am taking care of stuff that needs to be done.  It's kind of like going to Bikram.  Sometimes I don't feel like going but I go anyway and I always feel good about it.  So I guess that translates into whether I want to do something that needs doing or not, I just do it anyway and I'm usually glad I did.
4. I'm noticing a six pack in my abs when I do triangle pose.   I don't particularly like triangle--it's hard but I always look forward to seeing my six pack.  So far that's the only place it shows itself to me.
5. Now my practice is more than a work out to me.  It's a communion with my body.  It's a time I can check-in emotionally and physically and see how I'm doing.  It's a time where I can show my body my appreciation for all it does for me. I can look at  and love my body without feeling ashamed or conceited. 
6. I don't beat myself up for not being a certain size or weight.  I think I'm great the way I am and if I happen to slim down and become leaner as a result of my effort that would be wonderful.  I continue to strive for that but until then I look marvelous, darling.

7. Now I'm seeking other spiritual forums.  I'm trying different yoga styles and I am really ready to assume my meditation practice none of this for the sake of accomplishing any kind of change but just for the pleasure of it.  The change will come on its own and I know it will manifest in unexpected delightful ways

Taking it easy

So now I'm taking it easy. I'm learning to be flexible and resist the urge to do any kind of a challenge that might extinguish the joy I feel with the practice right now.  I take 10 classes per month.  Im flexible about the schedule.  I'll just go with the flow for now.

Namaste.